Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
technically true but not a great slogan
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*