This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
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Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
i- i did not expect this
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Wednesday
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.