Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
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“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?