Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
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Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.