[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.