*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
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– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.