The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
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In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”