There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
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Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole