mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Pigeon open mic night.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM