think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
You Might Also Like
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*