11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”