Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M