A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*