“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
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Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.