Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
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Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N