*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
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Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.