Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
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A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Stop.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on