My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
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Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.