It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.