Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
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i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
my sentiments exactly
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.