“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away