Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
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Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.