Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
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Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER