[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
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I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
dads on road-trips be like
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description