“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
that’s really how it is
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Jail
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away