Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
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‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.