Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
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Teamwork makes the dream work.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches