Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
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It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
How to make infinite energy.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.