Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
He’s cranky this morning
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
seems like a niche market
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.