Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
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ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.