Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
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A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.