Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
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Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.