Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
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Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Pot warmers of the day.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*