Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
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My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best