The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok