“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
If you know, you know
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon