Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
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I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”