Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
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[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK