That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
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I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Crying is a sign of leakness.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.