Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open