Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
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I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool