why isn’t he texting back
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iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow