Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
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“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.