From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
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You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking