I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
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I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.