Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
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Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it