I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.