Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that