The best plant holders?
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Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Cardio Made Easy
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.