idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
You Might Also Like
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers